Thursday, February 26, 2009

Unrequited Love

How do you forget? I've been trying to figure that one out for the past 3 months. I've done everything in my power to move forward, move on, forget, but I still wake up every morning and the first thing that pops into my head is remembering.
The whole "keep yourself busy thing" is sort of the motto of my life right now, and it does not change the fact, that though I forget many things, the one thing I try to forget follows me around like a lingering aroma.
Today, I even tried running from it. Being my day off, I drove into the mountains, about as far as I could without going so far I wouldn't get back before dark. I plugged in my ipod, and listened to nearly every song on it. I still remembered.
As the landscape changed from brown grass to snow drifts, I prayed continually that this would pass by me. That I could be free from this one burden.
So oppressive that sometimes I wonder if I am going to stop breathing. So haunting that I wake up each night dreaming of the same things.
There may be no greater burden in all the world than that of unrequited love. It seems so innocent, so sweet, but it is also trapping and heart breaking. To know that while you are haunted by thoughts, to know that the one you think of, is far from thinking of you. How does one escape the oppressiveness of that?
To love so greatly, at the expense of yourself, your heart, your life, to be rejected completely. To watch someone willfully walk away from that type of love is much more than heartbreaking.
I've questioned God so many times, as to why I endure this type of pain, only to take a step back and realize that I am asking one to whom I have inflicted such pain upon.
For, though I hate to admit it, I have walked away. I have walked away from the knowledge that I am loved and cared for, and though there was security in that love, the supposed freedom that lurked beyond seemed so much more appealing. When He wanted to hold me and be there for me, I wanted to experience what life was like. When He wanted a commitment from me, I suddenly became confused about what I really wanted from Him. So I shut the door, with one foot left in it, trying to play the game of having all my options opened, and when He said it was all or nothing... there were too many times I chased after the nothing.
Though my momentary discomfort is no match for the heart of God, I think I understand more clearly how much it must grieve Him when I turn my back on His love. I think I have caught a glimpse of how He must feel to be misinterpreted, or viewed as a trap that prohibits one from experiencing life.
My heart will heal and move forward over time. I will move on and things will be better, but God's love, His love, doesn't move on. He is grounded in forever loving us, forever chasing us, forever pursuing us to His heart. He goes the distance to be with us, a distance that not only broke his heart, but his body as well as he died for us.
That, above all else, is true love. Love that pushes on, even at the expense of itself.

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